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Duality

I have kept a journal most of my life. Not necessarily a proper journal, sometimes just scraps of paper with thoughts, ideas, poems, stories and the like  thrown in to a cherry wood box .

About five years ago, I was going through eating disorder treatment yet again. I was having a very difficult time coping with the loss of my “life tools.”  I could no longer run to food for comfort or purge to feel alive. Now that I was on the wagon again, I was going through the pages of my journal and reading everything that I had placed inside the box.

Within a few days, I began to dream about everything that I was going through as well as the past. My dream life was very complex, disturbing and surprisingly without emotion.

One afternoon I sat down at my computer and began to type out my dream.  It was about seven pages worth of concepts, fears, self loathing and Egyptology.

After reading about my dream, for some strange reason, I decided to continue the dream as a short story. Everyday I would sit at the computer and type, incorporating my nightly dreams, my old journal entries and life observations into this story. Before I knew it, I had a over one thousand pages.

I really never understood the word “duality” until I began to read the pages that I had written. The story of Miles and his transformation hit home like a brick to the head. I had gone through treatment, counseling and group therapy so many times but I had never had an epiphany like this one. I never knew that I led a dual existence. My life was split in to two very distinct areas. My public and my private life.

My public life was quite routine. Going to work, hanging out with friends, collecting action figures and trying to lead the best life that I could.

My private life was that of a reclusive, compulsive, agoraphobic, depressed, obsessive and controlled hollow  man.

Of course, both parts of my life were entwined. Although my routine and perpetual schedule allowed them to coexist effortlessly. My anger and resentment also coexisted in my public and private life. Rereading each page revealed how I felt as I wrote the original. Hanging on to those feelings for so long definitely left an impression on my outlook on life, not to mention being apathetic toward myself and the world around.

Body dysmorphic disorder, Bulimia, Anorexia, Obsessive-compulsive disorder, Agoraphobia and low self esteem haunted me for many years. Facing them was the hardest thing I have ever done, until now. Only a few of my close friends know about my eating disorder but none of them know the extent.  Even as I am writing this letter, I am thinking about how to tell my mother. Go figure.

There it is. My name is Jason Anthony and I have an eating disorder. Although it does feel good to say it, my anxiety level is shooting through the roof with the release of this novel and sharing my private truth with the world.

There have been many editions of my original manuscript. In the end, I decided to divide the book into two separate novels.  Each book encompassing separate stages of my duality ,acceptance, distrust, faith, the progress and failure of my  addiction and the evolution of Baniti/Miles.

This entire process has changed my life. I have learned many things about this business and more importantly, I have learned a great deal about myself.  I know I will never be fully recovered from my addiction but I know that every day as I am struggling to follow my path. I am becoming the person I was called to be.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoy reading The Journey of Miles.

 

Sincerely,

Jason Anthony